pee pee everywhere a-pee

So my boyfriend’s brother wets the bed. It’s shameful family secret that I made up this xmas. Why? Dunno. Seemed like a good idea at the time. But I think it’s catching on. I just recently broke it to his new lady friend. I only just sent the email. But I imagine that she was shocked and also a little relived. You see, whenever she spent the night, they would wake up with soggy sheets and he would blame her. Or the cat. And really, he doesn’t have a cat, so that’s a bit weird. I mean, a cat just broke into his apt. and peed, not only on his bed, but burrowed under the sheets and peed underneath him? Mike, mike, mike. Such lies. Also mean that he blames her. Think of how embarrassing that would be. New man, you wake up in the morning and he blames the mass of pee on you. Although, perhaps she also wets the bed and it’s a match made in bedwetting heaven. Maybe by outing him, I’ve also outed her. Now they don’t need to lie or feel ashamed. They can live blissfully ever after in their soggy urine stained sheets. And I did that. In fact, they owe me. I mean, eventually they would have lied and deceived each other so much that it would have torn them apart. You know, as peeing and bedwetting tends to do. But by lying and starting this rumor, I fixed a situation that in no way ever needed fixing or saving. My awesomeness knows no bounds, my friends. Watch out, I’m coming for you next.

first post of the year bitches.

So everyone likes to point out how cute my dog is. And while that’s true, no one thinks of the work it took to get her that cute looking. And I don’t mean that I take her to the spa and get her fur done and nails buffed or shit like that. I’m talking about the amount of punching and berating it took to get her cute. When we first picked her up, her head was a different shape. I punched it into the adorably cute shape it is now. Her legs were quite a bit shorter as well. But I kept punching those until they were longer and more pleasing to my eye. Her fur? At first kind of straight and only one color. But I kept on punching until it was slightly curly and had some highlights. You see, a dog is an investment. They take work and effing amount of physical exhaustion to get them into the wonderfully trained and adorably shaped mass of fur they end up as. So you remember that the next time you see an impossibly cute dog shuffling toward you. If you look at their owners hand and see bruised knuckles or cuts, you know they’re trying to make the world a cuter place for us all. Heroes, really, is what we should call ourselves. No exaggeration.