the starbuckateer

outfit: all black ensemble including, tapered, too tight pants;over-sized and unflattering bulky black jacket; black beret; frizzy, too long for your face shape hair; and shiny block heeled shoes.
sigh. where to start? guess at the top and work my way down. the beret. really a beret? really? is it 1950 or have we all been transported back to france. is some gay waiter coming by to snottily ask if we want wine and cheese and to please put pants on while in their stupid snooty restaurant? no? then ditch the beret fatty. seriously. its not cool. no one envies your beret, and no one will come up to you ask where you got it. i'm sure you found it by a dumpster anyway. 'cause even the homeless wouldn't wear that shit.
i get it. you're fat. you were once slim and attractive and then middle age hit and whacked you with the fat stick. hard. and in many places including your hoo-hoo. you think that if one piece of black clothing will hide your fat ass then why not dress in all black. but a bulky jacket will make your fatness look even fatter. and those tight tapered black pants will only make your fat ass look wider and fatter. and those shiny, chunky block shoes. your 8th grade wiccan coven is calling - they want their shoes back.
other reason why i hated this lady. we saw her 2xs at starbucks. the first time she was yakking on her cell phone, all self important like, using an earpiece and shouting into the handset. idiot. the 2nd day she was in starbucks furiously typing away - with her nails, gah, my pettest peavest ever - trying to look like she has a job, or friends, or that she matters in some way. also, both days she wore the same outfit. lending credence to my theory of the dumpster diving beret.

originally posted oct18/07

how to: respectfully break up with someone

on the next big holiday/bday/anniversary/bar mitzvahs etc. tell your partner you are taking them out for dinner and that you have something really special to tell them. don't use phrases like "we have to talk" or "its important". these are red flag phrases - they'll figure it out. and as anyone knows, the best break-up is the surprise breakup. after you pull up to mcdonalds/wendy's/the hardees in home despot, laugh when they give a weird look like "i got all dressed up for this shit?", grab their hand and skip into the "restaurant". now you need to make sure there are people around you - close by too. so pick a table that is right in the middle of a crowd. have your partner save the table while you go order some food. after sitting down with the food, say "oh, did you want something too?" and act annoyed that you have to go back into line and order them food too. or you could skip that step and just let them pick at your fries a little. but don't let them eat too many - they are YOUR fries and your hard earned drug money paid for 'em. after you're done eating, take a final swig of your drink and belch. next, take their hand and look deep into their eyes. explain how you don't love them anymore/find them attractive/stand the sound of their voice etc. don't sugarcoat anything - be brutally honest. don't give your partner, well ex-partner now, a chance to respond. noisily push your chair back from the table, give a wry shrug to the horrified faces of the people sitting around you and quickly exit the store. oh, but before you leave, make sure you make it clear that you will not be giving them a ride home. after all, you're no longer dating. now, even tho you'll soon be sitting all warm and dry in your apt, possibly with a prostitute gobbling on your naughty bits, you can enjoy the image of your ex all sniffly and upset taking the bus home in the rain. oh - i forgot to mention - make sure its raining that day. happy break up!

originally published oct26/07