don't make me punch you in the irish

while i disagree with tom selleck's gun toting yay policy, i thoroughly agree with his porno mustache wearing policy. that man is the epitome of all the 80's had to offer. crime fighting, helicopters, tiny white shorts, a pudgy, sad sack of a side kick and of course, the mustache. so bushy and full of life. its shone on the t.v, like a beacon of truth and justice, giving comfort and reassurance to all. i think he should have his own festival - selleck 'fest. free with your admission ticket, you'd get a fake mustache to wear and of course, a pair of those fantastic white shorts. maybe there'd be booths and lectures and workshops to learn about all things magnum. helicopter flying simulations, a gun range and of course, mustache combing lessons. cause what's the use of having a luxurious, bushy vagina magnet on your face if there's food stuck in it and its all knotted and gnarled. and man, you gotta get the right mustache conditioner. you want that bad boy to be silky and manageable, not greasy and limp. UPDATE: it has been suggested that the name of selleck-athon should be selleck-con or sell-con for short. in my opinion, this infers that the extravaganza would be held inside some lame-o convention centre. wrong. it needs to be in an open field, where the mighty wind blows your mighty mustache and bees buzz by. flowers dot the sides the trail leading the visitors to grounds of awesomeness. eff. i really want to go to selleck fest '07. stupid imaginary festivals. taunting me with their illicit mustache ways and promising not one, but several types of fantasticalism.

and baby makes three...

i wish there was beverage like tea, but not tea. something you could steep like tea, and drink hot, but not tea. i mean, don't get me wrong, tea is great. fantastic in fact. i love a good cuppa tea. after finishing a big meal i always crave tea. i think that's a throw-back from when i spent time in quebec. my host mum would always serve us a giant 4 course meal and follow it up with tea. and then booze. but mostly i remember the tea. tea is good cause it warms you up but is light. coffee is almost like a meal. its thicker and heavier. maybe thats just cause of all the creme and flavorings that get shoved in there. and hot chocolate is also too heavy and meal-like. maybe they could make a nice light choco flavored tea. and don't even try and suggest fruit teas. those muther-effers are an abomination of biblical proportions. and no, i am not exaggerating or blowing shit out of proportion. its the same way i feel about the mixed flavors of kool-aid. effing homewreckers. there are 3 basic flavors of kool-aid, in my opinion: orange, green, cherry. everything else can go to hell. and those color changing ones need a good ritual cleansing. a little fire cleans everything, right? at least thats what i told myself when i set fire to that house full of kitties. they were bad. and god said to.....

i whore for jesus

so lately i've been thinking about starting my own line of cereals. i think there is a huge market out there for religious themed cereals. mine would be Jesus O's, or Fruity Frosted Apostle O's or Chocolate covered Stigmatas. maybe the box would say: 'Now with marshmallow Apostles!' or "Become one with God - eat His Cereal!' or 'The cereal God wants you to eat'. oh, and with the Jesus O's, when you stirred the bowl, the milk would turn red. and maybe little thorns would float to the surface and the prize inside would be a stake and some nails, or a Jew-doll to take your revenge out on. He'd have his little blue shawl on, the little beanie on his head and those crazy sideburn ringlets. oooh, or maybe you get a little jezebel doll. and since i'm lazy, i'll just use the old britney dolls - you know, the ones when she still had hair and didn't chase after people and threaten them with an umbrella. cause that is one cheap whore. alright, so maybe all of this was just an elaborate ruse to mention how much i hate britney and how much of a whore she is. or maybe i just want documented proof of my cereal before some jackass actually gets off the pot and makes it. then i can sue and roll around in money. and roll i would. even if i only got like 1k. i get the bank to change it into singles, throw it on my bed and just go nuts. oh yeah. and yes - singles. i'd get american money. jerks. cause loonies seem like they'd be painful and also you'd get one of those crazy skin indents like when you fall asleep on a hammock and your face is all patterned and plaid'd. and everyone looks at you and laughs and you think its just cause people always laugh at you and you're making a mental note of which person to add to your 'to be killed' list and which people you might keep around for a while, you know, in case one of them is like a doctor or something and you need a kidney transplant cause a horse kicked you in the spleen and stuff got ruptured. metallica rulz.

drivin' truck

do you remember that part in star trek 4 when they put those crawly things in that dude's helmet and they make the guy wear the helmet? and then the things crawl into his brain? eww. i do. it's actually one of my earliest memories. my hometown had a drive-in. one of the last remaining in fact, until they bulldozed to make room for a trailer park. anyhow. a couple times during the summer, we would all cram in the white toyota tercel and and boogey on down to see not one, but 2 movies. from our car. yeah. that's pretty high tech to a 6 yr old. after the first movie was done, generally for the kids, the grownup movie would start. my parents would fold down the back seat and make a bed for me and sis in the backseat/truck. again, ridiculously cool to a kid. why? who knows? the thought of sleeping in a trunk now, well, is basically kinda gross. think of what you put in the trunk. everything thats not good enough or clean enough to go in the actual car part with the rest of the civilized things. i'm not talking about bags of poo. altho maybe. my buddy cheryl had a car in high school. she had everything in her trunk. but i'm pretty not poo. altho she did talk about it quite a bit. hmm, that was leah. or maybe both. boy, my friends sure liked poo.

el poacho ranchero el whaleo

lately, i've been thinking a lot about my childhood. specifically the tv of my generation. it seems like you can talk to anyone of the same age and from different geographical locales, and they all remember the same shows. when i was really young, i remember such tube-a-matic gems as the snorks. apparently this show was so short lived that wikipedia has no entry on it. kind of a travesty if you ask me. i really enjoyed those crazy headed, uh, beings and their wacky far out adventures. the epi i remember best is entitled "Tooter has a fish on the bus". fantastic. another show i watched religiously was the gummi bears. i even had a doll of gruffy - the show's cranky character. i believe i was given this 'cause of my uh, sunshine-y disposition. i know that may have been a bit of a shock for those of you who don't really know me all that well. but i was a cranky child. i've mellowed out now tho. really i have. i still wanna shiv everyone all the time, but i restrain. partly cause it's not kosher in today's society and partly cause i enjoy an un-incarcerated type of existence. prison is smelly and boring and many ladies would like to make you their bitches. so i guess our stupid justice system does work - in a round-about kind of way. but maybe you like being someone's bitch. maybe you're tired of using your brain all the time and just wanna zone out, be told what to do. more power to you, i guess. i, however, enjoy being near the top of the food chain. i'd have to shiv a lot of broads to be tops in jail. not that i'm opposed to that much carnage. i picked up a giant raw turkey breast this weekend with out retching. it felt all cold and dead, so i guess i just got used to it. oh, that and i killed a hobo.

you emilio estevez pounding fat gummi-bear

things that were discussed at thursday's lunch n learn:
*jesus' wiener (see previous blog entry)
*ice pants
*constructing a time-machine using the scientific principles from such instructional videos as: time-cop, back to the future, quantum leap, the time tunnel, and all episodes of star trek. oh and also superman
*using the newly constructed time-machine to go back in time and punch yourself so hard that you make yourself barf
*bear ass pie
*dressing in a panda suit so you can get some sweet sweet panda ass
*getting kicked out of the aquarium for donning an orca suit and attempting the sweet *sweet orca lovin'
*hookers n blow
*how you know you're gay
*how you know that i know you're gay
*using peaches instead of pineapple in a stir-fry
*how to make kevin appear both taller and short simultaneously
*and finally: how whitecake would like to use the aforementioned time-machine, go back in time and be the father of every employee at work. why? 'cause it'd be funny

gotta git my re-lig on

normally i don't like to blog about my work - you know, unless its my jerk coworkers. it's religious and it annoys me. however, i haven't posted for a while and am feeling lazy so i will just paste a conversation i had with whitecake re: jesus. um, i cleaned up the spelling. but anyone who knows me, knows that i am the worst IM speller ever. i can clean it up when writing actual work, but i just couldn't care less for IM.

kyky: i think we should all get to go to camp (bible software place extravaganza secret whatnot ahem)
kyky: you know, learn how they use the product
WC: uuhh, isn't that like bible camp?
kyky: yup
kyky: bible software camp
kyky: it not only crams religion in yer face, but also nerdy software
WC: I don't understand, I thought jesus hates technology and science
kyky: i guess unless it benefits him
kyky: i mean Him
WC: realistically shouldn't it be HIM
WC: why just the first letter?
kyky: ooh - that's too in your face
kyky: kind of sinny
WC: hiM?
kyky: hIm
kyky: cause the 'i' represents his wiener
WC: Jesus has a wiener?
kyky: yup
kyky: its huge too
WC: so it's more like a smokie then?
kyky: not only is he the son of god, but also has a giant cock
WC: HE HAS A ROOSTER TOO?
kyky: a smokie combined with a footlong
kyky: boooo
WC: so like a smokie and a footlong glued together?
WC: by the ends or by the sides?
kyky: so basically a giant sub sandwich coming at you
WC: PARTY SUB!
kyky: yup
kyky: i mean they don't say it specifically in the bible
kyky: but its implied
WC: I really want to go to heaven now...
kyky: you know how i know you're gay?
WC: I want to go to heaven?
kyky: you wanna go to heaven so jesus can ram his party subbing wiener in yer ass

and this is what my work day consists of. so maybe it's not really that bad after all.